I came home this evening and turned on the TV to find the show House. For some strange reason I find this show comforting. It flashes me back in time, 11:00 ish, a little more than four years ago in Atlanta. Every night my sister and I would hunker down on our fold out bed after being kicked out of the hospital, and we would watch at least an hour of House. After a full day of watching and waiting on and for Cruise, surviving on hospital food, and hope that the situation would get better, because it had to, why we chose to watch a hospital show, I’m not sure I can answer. Maybe it’s because it was familiar. Maybe because it is based on severe health situations and at the end, there was always an answer. They always got better. Made up, medical, consciously or not, maybe it gave me hope.
Never have I ever lived my life so in the moment. I left home having no idea what spinal cord injury really meant, or even that SCI was what we were facing. For six months, I lived in the moment, never knowing what was next. And while those days were scary, sad, devastating at moments, they were also some of the best days of my life. Do I wish I could change it all for Cruise, yes. Of course. Do I wish I could change it for my parents? All of his friends who witnessed his injury and endure it with him? Everyone that the ripple effect of this injury effects? Yes. But when you can’t go back, you have to go forward. I am so grateful that we are a family of humor and strength. I laughed more in those first three months in the hospital than I had in years. I felt in a way that I never have. Pain, love, helplessness, hope. I learned, and laughed and loved like never before.
I live far away from my family. I don’t live this injury anymore on a daily basis. I forget sometimes, not that the situation exists, but what it feels like every moment of everyday. I know they are tired, scared, sad, and overwhelmed, as well as hopeful. And that I have the luxury of living my physical life free of their reality. They all handle it amazingly well, considering, but life with spinal cord injury is hard, and there is no understanding until you are living it. So I visit when I can, help when I can, and try to remain grateful for everything in my life. One foot in front of the other. It’s been four years, and I am so proud of how far Cruise has come. It can’t be expressed in words. From this:
to this:
Cruise’s 2012 interview with www.ambitiondaily.com
I love you man. You’ve come a long way.
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