Today I spent the unexpected snow day cleaning, doing laundry and organizing our house which has been driving me crazy for a long time now. I have been slowly trying to get our guest room (which is really our dumping ground) into a functional state and to double as my craft space. I was so grateful for the time to do that today! For months now I have been in serious stress mode about my work and finances, or lack there of, and for the past few weeks it has escalated into a truly negative, constant anxiety in which I have felt like I have no control over my mental state. I can’t turn my brain off, my body feels in constant buzz about things I have to remember, the best order in which to do things, how to best fit everything in and how, oh how, to make myself more stable in many ways. On Tuesday my back went out and my visit to my miracle worker acupuncturist resulted in a clear understanding that I have not been taking care of myself in any way. I have let this stress and fear take over and lead me into a life that is unhealthy and solely focused on money, which is completely against my values. (I recognize that money is important and wish I had more of it even, but I try to always remember that it is not the most important thing.)
It also reminded me that I have done the most fabulous job of manifesting my life into what I really want it to be. I recognized this periodically in the recent past but lately I had allowed it to get lost as I panicked about the small pieces that haven’t quite ironed themselves out. Last night at dinner we were talking about what we would do if we suddenly had endless amounts of money. Everyone else’s stories involved not doing what they are doing right now, and as I thought about it, I realized that I am really happy with where my life is and is heading. I have been striving for what feels like eternity to get where I want to be (as if that was one place) but honestly, my life is really falling into place. I think the hardest part about going for what you want is KNOWING what you want. What a loaded question. Identifying that is the struggle but once you know what it is, and have to courage to embrace it , the path becomes clear.
This fall I finally identified and embraced that I am an artist. I’m an artist. I can’t identify it much further for you, I didn’t go to school for any sort of art, I’m not intellectual or deep about my art, I just am an artist. This wasn’t an incredibly new idea to me, but I finally came to terms with it, I finally just let it be. And let it be ok with me that I want to be an artist.
The result has been that in the last month or so I have figured out how to be a massage therapist and an artist in a way that feels stable, real and right. (Ok well, I still have to solidify massage clients, but I’m on the right track.) I think I’ve just been searching for what feels right. I have worked for Lacey for almost 10 years now and I am now also working with Pam Bosco, a jeweler in our studio building. I have this incredible opportunity to learn a new medium, get some new experience and combined with massage, I’m starting to feel like my life is getting to a fantastic place. I’m not questioning who I am and what I want to be for the first time in years. Instead, I feel like I have listened to myself and helped to create my ideal life. This harmony has been spreading into even the smallest decisions that I make. It’s amazing how when life isn’t going well it seems like NOTHING is going well, and when it starts looking up it all just falls into place.
I lose myself easily but the older that I get, the better I get at being myself and being comfortable with that. I’m not sure why it is so hard to accept who we are as being not only enough but the way we are supposed to be. The most amazing, attractive, interesting people to me are the one’s who seem completely comfortable with themselves, who don’t question everything but just live life and enjoy themselves. I strive to be that kind of person, and forgive myself for feeling like I want to be different than I am. I figure that’s just part of me, to always want to be a better version of myself.
Tonight I sat in my guest/craft room and let myself recognize that I am loving creating my life. My fabric is all arranged on it’s rack, my craft stuff is mostly organized, the laundry is mostly done, and I am happy to have done it all.
"There are moments on the brink, when you can give yourself to a lover, or not; give-in to self-doubt, uncertainty, and admonishment, or not; dive into a different culture, or not; set sail for the unknown, or not; walk out onto a stage, or not. Resist then, and there is only what might have been." -Diane Ackerman
