Connection

It is a chilly, gray, fall evening and I have just sat down on the couch with a sweet black pup sleeping on my right and a handsome, amazing man soldering pipes on the coffee table on the other side of her. I've got a shepherds pie in the oven for dinner and chicken prepped for tomorrow's chicken parm for guests and I am settling in with a glass of wine to write what I hope to be the beginning of weekly posts.

For the past week or so I have been thinking a lot about connection. My sister came to visit and when she left two weeks ago, it was the end of a very long stretch of craziness that started when I bought Isla. After making the trip to Maine I still had weeks of visits from my family and when Casie left it was the calm after the storm. I was left alone with my new reality. Alone to digest what I had just taken on. Alone to feel the weight of my decisions, the quiet, stillness of a new life. I had a foggy, emotional week as I processed being away from my family, but I also started finding my bearings in a place where I feel at home. A place where I feel like myself, like my heart and soul make sense, like I am part of something that I can relate to. Like it matters that I am here and contributing in this particular place.

After a conversation with a friend about how humans crave connection I started recognizing that every action I take is in pursuit of exactly that. The past month and a half has been centered around reconnecting to the people and place that I love and has been filled with perfect moments that I crave. Labor day weekend some of my dearest friends came to visit and we had a rare moment of all being in the same place at the same time.

Last weekend a college friend had the most beautiful, simple wedding on a farm in central Maine and it was a perfect day. I found myself in complete harmony surrounded by some of my favorite people, on beautiful land with the sun shining on a warm fall day... I can't even find the words to explain why I felt so balanced and at peace. But it has to do with connecting with pieces of myself, parts of my life that are important; human connection, connection with the earth, the importance of place, the changing of the seasons... it all has an energy that feeds my heart and soul and feels just right.

While I recognize that life and people change and forward motion is inevitable and important, this group of college friends being together in a place that we all feel a deep connection to was incredibly uplifting. It felt like time stood still for us, allowing us to have this brief moment where everything felt right. I have an amazing group of friends, and they all come from very different places, bring different things into my life, feed me in different ways and are all incredibly important. But my college friends are a particularly special group. They were with me when I was really starting to find myself. They knew me and lived with me through a time that was full of intense change, realization, growth and discovery. They know me in ways that I don't let a lot of people see and the comfort in that creates a bond that is hard to recreate. I am completely myself and with them I feel at home.

Lacey and I spent this past week getting ready for the Commonground Fair, the one event that I look forward to every year and never get tired of experiencing. It is the culmination of everything I have been trying to describe; a grouping of farmers, animals, crafters, people who live intentionally, support each other locally, speakers, musicians, amazing food and community in a giant field in the middle of nowhere Maine at a time of year when the landscape and weather is changing so the weekend is full of vibrant energy.

The leaves are starting to change, yellows, oranges, golds, reds, and some still green refusing to let go until they are ready. The grass is green, the dirt roads onto the fair grounds make your tires, shoes and barefeet the dusty brown of the earth that follows your footsteps through the day. Old and new friends are seen and made, and for one day or weekend, depending on how long you stay, everything you need is in this one little spot. An inspiring, eye opening, grounding spot. I came home last night feeling whole and connected as if I just need to plug into the fair's energy each weekend to replenish myself and stay grounded. Such a lovely treat that I anticipate every fall, that deepens my connection to the community around me, the earth, and my sense of place.

Just as I was sitting down to write this post Justin was snuggling on the couch with Lola and said that he completely understands how people with dogs live longer.

I smiled at the timing of his comment about connection with animals as we talked about how calming and amazing Lola's energy is and how she changes our lives. I am so incredibly happy to be where I am right now. And this doesn't happen often for me. I am happy in very short blips and then ready to move onto the next thing or pining for another place. The only thing that would make life more perfect is if my family were here as well. But for now, I am focusing on the positive, loving the pieces of my life and enjoying being happy.

I will drink wine and tea out of my new sweet mug that Lacey bought for me at the fair,

eat yummy meals off of my new table setting that I just had to buy because I feel like nesting,

and get into crafting mode, which I am so excited about...

The fall and winter is time to hunker down and create, drink tea, stay warm and be inspired with projects! I plan on holding onto this feeling and idea of connection through this perfect time of year. Time for warm, snuggling down! Happy fall everyone!

Life...

I aspire to be someone who is happily busy and productive; someone who fills time beyond work with volunteering, projects, socializing, getting exercise, cooking... the key word here being aspire. I often do fit a lot in but not without feeling very flustered and overwhelmed. Really - whoever decided that 24 hours in a day is enough was horribly mistaken. I'm ashamed to say I haven't spent much time with Isla in the past few weeks. Somehow she has fallen to the side while I get my bearings and try to rebuild my life.

I have been working quite a bit in the pottery studio with my friend Lacey who saves my life finacially EVERY time I need it... and I reciprocate by saving hers when she needs help. Luckily we are often in need at the same time. While my job hunting is on hold at the studio it gives me lots of time to think about what it is I am looking for. Which I have heard is important, but this part always trips me up. What am I looking for? I am very good at piecing together a maze of guidelines around what I want my life to look like. But often bits of my criteria contradict each other and end up drawing up the impossible. I like to think you can manifest whatever it is you want in your heart, and mostly I think this is true, but in this process I always tie myself in knots. My priorities get muddled and I'm becoming more and more certain that I have set up the same road blocks for myself for the past ten years.

Someone pointed out to me recently that I want it all and that just isn't possible. I need to figure out my priorities and realize that I will have to compromise something. This same wise person reminded me that I am an outside of the box kind of person and maybe my problem is that I keep trying to find my place inside the box. When I know that the box is too small for me.

I was hoping desperately to keep the grounded, clear life perspective that I spent the past many months carefully cultivating. I packed it up neatly on Isla, safely stowed for the journey, readily available at every moment. I think somehow some other junk must have gotten packed on top of it because while I know it is still there somewhere, it's a little harder to see all of a sudden. I know that everything will work out. Life has a way of doing that for you. I know that no matter how long it takes me to find a job, I will not be homeless or go hungry. Ramen is very inexpensive and I have lots of friends. I know that no matter what job I do find, I will find a way to take care of Isla and meet my basic needs. But I always seem to have a lot of bigger needs that I would really like to be met and I'm losing sight of how all of them can happen in the very near future. I NEED them to. For my sanity and happiness I NEED, ok, and WANT them to. Like a job that will allow me to pay for Isla, pay my bills, buy groceries, have some fun, AND go to Florida periodically to be with my family. Simple, right? Well, if you think it is and you think you have the answer aside from mentally manifesting, I would love to hear your thoughts. My brainstorming is taking me in circles as usual and while I know it is time for action instead of thought, I'm really not sure what I should be pursuing to make this all happen. Except money. Which I hate.

I have spent the past month in a very odd space in which I thought (and maybe still do think) that what I need is a normal, 9-5, full time job, with benefits, that will actually make me some money. Something that I have really never had before. Or wanted, quite frankly. The thing is, I'm not sure that I have, or rather, I am quite sure, that I do NOT have the skills that will get me such a job. I don't even know what people in those kinds of jobs do. For the past couple of days I have started thinking seriously about doing what I love and being an artist. Right back to no money, no stability, no benefits, which doesn't solve any of my current issues or needs, BUT... I'm realizing that for all the follow-your-heart talk that I do, I have never really entertained that if I wanted to make art a job, I could. When I think about what I want to be when I grow up, I come up with a whole lot of nothing. Or a bajillion little things that wouldn't hold my interest for long but I would like to experience anyway. But the thing that resonates the most with me is art. Creativity. So maybe I will have to become a waitress at a diner, and maybe I won't be a mother who has a career per se, but maybe I will always have pieces of myself that carry me along, get me by and make me happy. Like making purses, or pottery or giving a massage or two. And maybe that is what I want in the end. Or maybe it's not. But I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea that if it is what I want, I can make it happen.

I am so inspired by people who truly follow their heart and take chances in life. I try to do it myself sometimes and it is incredibly helpful to know that other people are doing it too, and they are still alive and well. I am starting to develop my creative side into something that is really ME. Something genuine, something that I trust, something that is mine. As usual it is in pieces as I have many little interests. But perhaps someday they will all come together into something that makes sense.

My outward expression started today with a new glaze design, which never comes easily to me, but just sort of popped out. I'm hoping for more of this spontaneous creativity to help shape my life. The good thing about my mental tyrades in which I try to figure it all out is that I eventually get tired and realize it will all work out and it's not worth worrying about too much. It eventually brings me back to my simple, clear thoughts about life in which I realize the best thing I can do is drink my tea or eat some ice cream and be grateful and happy.