Yoga

My trip to the gym this morning at 6 am, with my partner in crime, Bo, came early and slightly harsh after a short night sleep. It is now getting dark very early at night and the sun is even more hesitant than I am to rise in the mornings. I dressed groggily in the dark and stepped out into the cold morning, exhausted but motivated because I have someone to meet me there. As I walked toward the doors a man commented, "another morning in paradise!" My response at 5:55am was "is that where we are?!" I wasn't sure if he meant Maine or the gym, but after a second I found myself smiling that regardless, this man had given me a nice reminder that I am lucky to be where I am. It might be cold and early and I might be heading in for some mild torture, but really, it all comes from my own choices, and I have chosen them for a reason. My life is what it is because I have made purposeful choices and I am trying very hard to remember that and not complain about them. You are responsible for your own choices, your own happiness, your own life. You can't control everything that happens to you, try as you might, but you can control the way in which you receive your experiences and the way you choose to handle them. I am tired of thoughts that life happens TO me, and I'm becoming more aware of how to embrace that I make my own choices and choose my own path. I have (at least some of) the control, and my choices are mine and right for me.

Bo joined me for yoga this morning, his first (and perhaps last) experience. I am so proud of him for giving it a go as just a week ago he was very clear that he would not be joining me for yoga, but would do his own work out at the gym while I did my class. He would Yoda while I did yoga. Much more his speed. However, this morning, he tried something new. I searched for some advice for him, or perhaps a warning, so that he wouldn't judge it too quickly and be too hard on himself. I told him it is challenging, it takes a few times to get the feel for it and to stop feeling completely awkward, that he should go at his own pace and not worry if he doesn't get it all this time... I remember my first few times, which spanned several years; I left feeling like yoga wasn't for me, that my body just didn't DO that... but somehow over time I have circled around to enjoying it. It was a broad circle and I am not completely in love with it. I don't live for yoga, I don't feel like I can't live with it, but I recognize that it brings something to my life. I recognize that it is more than physical exercise, stamina and perseverence. It is more than mentally challenging to get through the poses and finish the class each time. It is a mentality for life. The focus, determination and energy that goes into the routine teaches me, reminds me, of lessons that I take with me throughout the day. Yoga has taught me to be kind to myself. It has taught me to keep trying, that it is ok to go at my own pace, and that I CAN do what I set my mind to, even if it isn't perfect and complete the first or even second time. It has helped to teach me that my way of being, my choices, my journey is just that, mine. And it's ok if it's different than other people's.

After class ended I turned to Bo to see a serious, strained and possibly irritated look on his face. I asked him if he hated me... his response was, "Yes, we are no longer friends. Tell Drake I will miss him." But the wonderful thing about Bo is that he is light hearted, happy and kind, and before long he was smiling and joking as he described his state of pain and the amount that he would be complaining all day. I only felt a little bit sorry for him, mostly because I was proud of him for stepping outside his comfort zone and trying something new, even if in the end it isn't for him. And also because I will soon be doing the same, when we try spinning class for what might be not my first, but possibly my last time. :)

To each his own.

Namaste.

Alone or not alone?

It's amazing to me how we learn things. How we grow and change and learn... And no matter what, everyone has to learn their own lessons in their own way. Someone can tell you something until they are blue in the face but it truly has to be learned and experienced on your own to really understand. Think of all of the advice that adults gave you growing up, all of the predicting of how you would feel, what kind of perspective you would have down the road... I remember trying to tell my teen center kids that everything would be alright, whatever high school tragedy would pass and hardly be remembered in later years... and watching their reaction, that I remember so well, as they looked at me like another adult who doesn't know what they are talking about. Re-realizing every time that they will have to learn on their own the things that I have learned so far. I can only offer advice, that they can take or leave, but in the end they will have to experience it for it to truly become part of them.

I made a brief trip out to Isla the other day to take care of a few things... (truth being that I am staying on land much more frequently these days as there is this boy I kind of like...) and every time I do I marvel at how much I have learned to enjoy being alone. I have never been an alone kind of person. Never. I remember my mum telling me from a very young age that you have to get comfortable with yourself and learn to be happy being alone because there won't always be someone there with you. I could understand what she meant, but was never able to get to a place where I actually liked being alone. Somehow in the past couple of years I have found that place. I have learned to appreciate time that I have to myself, and actually, I LOVE it. Not always, but sometimes, I just love being alone. I do however, wish that I could have an invisable (so I could still actually be alone) personal photographer, because often when I am alone there are moments that just seem like they should be caught and recorded somehow. I guess even though I enjoy my moments alone, I still wish I could share them with someone later!

My outboard engine for my dingy is having some trouble and, in typical Bogle fashion, the oars that I have don't actually go to my dingy so they don't work very well. Especially after it has been a week since I've used her and the right side is partially deflated, because that's what it does. The heavy wooden oars that only partially fit in the oarlocks really aren't very functional. So after approximately 35 seconds of trying to make it work, I decided it would be much more effective and peaceful to just paddle with one oar standing up. While I'm sure this looked quite comical, I loved it. I imagined what I looked like, a young woman (I believe I still fall into that category) standing in an old gray inflatable with jeans pulled up over her knees, a black thermal shirt on with a pale green scarf blowing in the breeze, paddling out to her sailboat just off shore. Did I mention that I tend to romanticize things? I catch myself doing that sometimes and then laugh as I realize that what I probably look like is a discheveled crazy person paddling desperately because her piece of crap engine is broken. Which might be closer to the truth. Regardless, I bask in the fact that I have finally reached a place in my life where I am comfortable and happy when I am alone, doing funny things, and this feels like quite an accomplishment!

I always saw it as a fault to not be an "alone" person, but I would like to point out that I think whatever kind of person you are is ok. We put so many restrictions and perameters on who we are supposed to be, what are acceptable and important qualities, but I've decided that none of it matters. I mean, as long as you are a generally kind person and not doing horrible things, it's ok to be exactly who you are. I guess that is part of growing up. Learning to be who you are. Learning what is acceptable to you, what is important to you and being ok with the answers. Sometimes I'm amazed that it took me 30 years to figure some of these things out, but then I remember to give myself a break, accept that this has been my journey and decide instead to be proud of myself for getting there at all.

"It's only life after all."