Yoga

My trip to the gym this morning at 6 am, with my partner in crime, Bo, came early and slightly harsh after a short night sleep. It is now getting dark very early at night and the sun is even more hesitant than I am to rise in the mornings. I dressed groggily in the dark and stepped out into the cold morning, exhausted but motivated because I have someone to meet me there. As I walked toward the doors a man commented, "another morning in paradise!" My response at 5:55am was "is that where we are?!" I wasn't sure if he meant Maine or the gym, but after a second I found myself smiling that regardless, this man had given me a nice reminder that I am lucky to be where I am. It might be cold and early and I might be heading in for some mild torture, but really, it all comes from my own choices, and I have chosen them for a reason. My life is what it is because I have made purposeful choices and I am trying very hard to remember that and not complain about them. You are responsible for your own choices, your own happiness, your own life. You can't control everything that happens to you, try as you might, but you can control the way in which you receive your experiences and the way you choose to handle them. I am tired of thoughts that life happens TO me, and I'm becoming more aware of how to embrace that I make my own choices and choose my own path. I have (at least some of) the control, and my choices are mine and right for me.

Bo joined me for yoga this morning, his first (and perhaps last) experience. I am so proud of him for giving it a go as just a week ago he was very clear that he would not be joining me for yoga, but would do his own work out at the gym while I did my class. He would Yoda while I did yoga. Much more his speed. However, this morning, he tried something new. I searched for some advice for him, or perhaps a warning, so that he wouldn't judge it too quickly and be too hard on himself. I told him it is challenging, it takes a few times to get the feel for it and to stop feeling completely awkward, that he should go at his own pace and not worry if he doesn't get it all this time... I remember my first few times, which spanned several years; I left feeling like yoga wasn't for me, that my body just didn't DO that... but somehow over time I have circled around to enjoying it. It was a broad circle and I am not completely in love with it. I don't live for yoga, I don't feel like I can't live with it, but I recognize that it brings something to my life. I recognize that it is more than physical exercise, stamina and perseverence. It is more than mentally challenging to get through the poses and finish the class each time. It is a mentality for life. The focus, determination and energy that goes into the routine teaches me, reminds me, of lessons that I take with me throughout the day. Yoga has taught me to be kind to myself. It has taught me to keep trying, that it is ok to go at my own pace, and that I CAN do what I set my mind to, even if it isn't perfect and complete the first or even second time. It has helped to teach me that my way of being, my choices, my journey is just that, mine. And it's ok if it's different than other people's.

After class ended I turned to Bo to see a serious, strained and possibly irritated look on his face. I asked him if he hated me... his response was, "Yes, we are no longer friends. Tell Drake I will miss him." But the wonderful thing about Bo is that he is light hearted, happy and kind, and before long he was smiling and joking as he described his state of pain and the amount that he would be complaining all day. I only felt a little bit sorry for him, mostly because I was proud of him for stepping outside his comfort zone and trying something new, even if in the end it isn't for him. And also because I will soon be doing the same, when we try spinning class for what might be not my first, but possibly my last time. :)

To each his own.

Namaste.

Alone or not alone?

It's amazing to me how we learn things. How we grow and change and learn... And no matter what, everyone has to learn their own lessons in their own way. Someone can tell you something until they are blue in the face but it truly has to be learned and experienced on your own to really understand. Think of all of the advice that adults gave you growing up, all of the predicting of how you would feel, what kind of perspective you would have down the road... I remember trying to tell my teen center kids that everything would be alright, whatever high school tragedy would pass and hardly be remembered in later years... and watching their reaction, that I remember so well, as they looked at me like another adult who doesn't know what they are talking about. Re-realizing every time that they will have to learn on their own the things that I have learned so far. I can only offer advice, that they can take or leave, but in the end they will have to experience it for it to truly become part of them.

I made a brief trip out to Isla the other day to take care of a few things... (truth being that I am staying on land much more frequently these days as there is this boy I kind of like...) and every time I do I marvel at how much I have learned to enjoy being alone. I have never been an alone kind of person. Never. I remember my mum telling me from a very young age that you have to get comfortable with yourself and learn to be happy being alone because there won't always be someone there with you. I could understand what she meant, but was never able to get to a place where I actually liked being alone. Somehow in the past couple of years I have found that place. I have learned to appreciate time that I have to myself, and actually, I LOVE it. Not always, but sometimes, I just love being alone. I do however, wish that I could have an invisable (so I could still actually be alone) personal photographer, because often when I am alone there are moments that just seem like they should be caught and recorded somehow. I guess even though I enjoy my moments alone, I still wish I could share them with someone later!

My outboard engine for my dingy is having some trouble and, in typical Bogle fashion, the oars that I have don't actually go to my dingy so they don't work very well. Especially after it has been a week since I've used her and the right side is partially deflated, because that's what it does. The heavy wooden oars that only partially fit in the oarlocks really aren't very functional. So after approximately 35 seconds of trying to make it work, I decided it would be much more effective and peaceful to just paddle with one oar standing up. While I'm sure this looked quite comical, I loved it. I imagined what I looked like, a young woman (I believe I still fall into that category) standing in an old gray inflatable with jeans pulled up over her knees, a black thermal shirt on with a pale green scarf blowing in the breeze, paddling out to her sailboat just off shore. Did I mention that I tend to romanticize things? I catch myself doing that sometimes and then laugh as I realize that what I probably look like is a discheveled crazy person paddling desperately because her piece of crap engine is broken. Which might be closer to the truth. Regardless, I bask in the fact that I have finally reached a place in my life where I am comfortable and happy when I am alone, doing funny things, and this feels like quite an accomplishment!

I always saw it as a fault to not be an "alone" person, but I would like to point out that I think whatever kind of person you are is ok. We put so many restrictions and perameters on who we are supposed to be, what are acceptable and important qualities, but I've decided that none of it matters. I mean, as long as you are a generally kind person and not doing horrible things, it's ok to be exactly who you are. I guess that is part of growing up. Learning to be who you are. Learning what is acceptable to you, what is important to you and being ok with the answers. Sometimes I'm amazed that it took me 30 years to figure some of these things out, but then I remember to give myself a break, accept that this has been my journey and decide instead to be proud of myself for getting there at all.

"It's only life after all."

Connection

It is a chilly, gray, fall evening and I have just sat down on the couch with a sweet black pup sleeping on my right and a handsome, amazing man soldering pipes on the coffee table on the other side of her. I've got a shepherds pie in the oven for dinner and chicken prepped for tomorrow's chicken parm for guests and I am settling in with a glass of wine to write what I hope to be the beginning of weekly posts.

For the past week or so I have been thinking a lot about connection. My sister came to visit and when she left two weeks ago, it was the end of a very long stretch of craziness that started when I bought Isla. After making the trip to Maine I still had weeks of visits from my family and when Casie left it was the calm after the storm. I was left alone with my new reality. Alone to digest what I had just taken on. Alone to feel the weight of my decisions, the quiet, stillness of a new life. I had a foggy, emotional week as I processed being away from my family, but I also started finding my bearings in a place where I feel at home. A place where I feel like myself, like my heart and soul make sense, like I am part of something that I can relate to. Like it matters that I am here and contributing in this particular place.

After a conversation with a friend about how humans crave connection I started recognizing that every action I take is in pursuit of exactly that. The past month and a half has been centered around reconnecting to the people and place that I love and has been filled with perfect moments that I crave. Labor day weekend some of my dearest friends came to visit and we had a rare moment of all being in the same place at the same time.

Last weekend a college friend had the most beautiful, simple wedding on a farm in central Maine and it was a perfect day. I found myself in complete harmony surrounded by some of my favorite people, on beautiful land with the sun shining on a warm fall day... I can't even find the words to explain why I felt so balanced and at peace. But it has to do with connecting with pieces of myself, parts of my life that are important; human connection, connection with the earth, the importance of place, the changing of the seasons... it all has an energy that feeds my heart and soul and feels just right.

While I recognize that life and people change and forward motion is inevitable and important, this group of college friends being together in a place that we all feel a deep connection to was incredibly uplifting. It felt like time stood still for us, allowing us to have this brief moment where everything felt right. I have an amazing group of friends, and they all come from very different places, bring different things into my life, feed me in different ways and are all incredibly important. But my college friends are a particularly special group. They were with me when I was really starting to find myself. They knew me and lived with me through a time that was full of intense change, realization, growth and discovery. They know me in ways that I don't let a lot of people see and the comfort in that creates a bond that is hard to recreate. I am completely myself and with them I feel at home.

Lacey and I spent this past week getting ready for the Commonground Fair, the one event that I look forward to every year and never get tired of experiencing. It is the culmination of everything I have been trying to describe; a grouping of farmers, animals, crafters, people who live intentionally, support each other locally, speakers, musicians, amazing food and community in a giant field in the middle of nowhere Maine at a time of year when the landscape and weather is changing so the weekend is full of vibrant energy.

The leaves are starting to change, yellows, oranges, golds, reds, and some still green refusing to let go until they are ready. The grass is green, the dirt roads onto the fair grounds make your tires, shoes and barefeet the dusty brown of the earth that follows your footsteps through the day. Old and new friends are seen and made, and for one day or weekend, depending on how long you stay, everything you need is in this one little spot. An inspiring, eye opening, grounding spot. I came home last night feeling whole and connected as if I just need to plug into the fair's energy each weekend to replenish myself and stay grounded. Such a lovely treat that I anticipate every fall, that deepens my connection to the community around me, the earth, and my sense of place.

Just as I was sitting down to write this post Justin was snuggling on the couch with Lola and said that he completely understands how people with dogs live longer.

I smiled at the timing of his comment about connection with animals as we talked about how calming and amazing Lola's energy is and how she changes our lives. I am so incredibly happy to be where I am right now. And this doesn't happen often for me. I am happy in very short blips and then ready to move onto the next thing or pining for another place. The only thing that would make life more perfect is if my family were here as well. But for now, I am focusing on the positive, loving the pieces of my life and enjoying being happy.

I will drink wine and tea out of my new sweet mug that Lacey bought for me at the fair,

eat yummy meals off of my new table setting that I just had to buy because I feel like nesting,

and get into crafting mode, which I am so excited about...

The fall and winter is time to hunker down and create, drink tea, stay warm and be inspired with projects! I plan on holding onto this feeling and idea of connection through this perfect time of year. Time for warm, snuggling down! Happy fall everyone!

Life...

I aspire to be someone who is happily busy and productive; someone who fills time beyond work with volunteering, projects, socializing, getting exercise, cooking... the key word here being aspire. I often do fit a lot in but not without feeling very flustered and overwhelmed. Really - whoever decided that 24 hours in a day is enough was horribly mistaken. I'm ashamed to say I haven't spent much time with Isla in the past few weeks. Somehow she has fallen to the side while I get my bearings and try to rebuild my life.

I have been working quite a bit in the pottery studio with my friend Lacey who saves my life finacially EVERY time I need it... and I reciprocate by saving hers when she needs help. Luckily we are often in need at the same time. While my job hunting is on hold at the studio it gives me lots of time to think about what it is I am looking for. Which I have heard is important, but this part always trips me up. What am I looking for? I am very good at piecing together a maze of guidelines around what I want my life to look like. But often bits of my criteria contradict each other and end up drawing up the impossible. I like to think you can manifest whatever it is you want in your heart, and mostly I think this is true, but in this process I always tie myself in knots. My priorities get muddled and I'm becoming more and more certain that I have set up the same road blocks for myself for the past ten years.

Someone pointed out to me recently that I want it all and that just isn't possible. I need to figure out my priorities and realize that I will have to compromise something. This same wise person reminded me that I am an outside of the box kind of person and maybe my problem is that I keep trying to find my place inside the box. When I know that the box is too small for me.

I was hoping desperately to keep the grounded, clear life perspective that I spent the past many months carefully cultivating. I packed it up neatly on Isla, safely stowed for the journey, readily available at every moment. I think somehow some other junk must have gotten packed on top of it because while I know it is still there somewhere, it's a little harder to see all of a sudden. I know that everything will work out. Life has a way of doing that for you. I know that no matter how long it takes me to find a job, I will not be homeless or go hungry. Ramen is very inexpensive and I have lots of friends. I know that no matter what job I do find, I will find a way to take care of Isla and meet my basic needs. But I always seem to have a lot of bigger needs that I would really like to be met and I'm losing sight of how all of them can happen in the very near future. I NEED them to. For my sanity and happiness I NEED, ok, and WANT them to. Like a job that will allow me to pay for Isla, pay my bills, buy groceries, have some fun, AND go to Florida periodically to be with my family. Simple, right? Well, if you think it is and you think you have the answer aside from mentally manifesting, I would love to hear your thoughts. My brainstorming is taking me in circles as usual and while I know it is time for action instead of thought, I'm really not sure what I should be pursuing to make this all happen. Except money. Which I hate.

I have spent the past month in a very odd space in which I thought (and maybe still do think) that what I need is a normal, 9-5, full time job, with benefits, that will actually make me some money. Something that I have really never had before. Or wanted, quite frankly. The thing is, I'm not sure that I have, or rather, I am quite sure, that I do NOT have the skills that will get me such a job. I don't even know what people in those kinds of jobs do. For the past couple of days I have started thinking seriously about doing what I love and being an artist. Right back to no money, no stability, no benefits, which doesn't solve any of my current issues or needs, BUT... I'm realizing that for all the follow-your-heart talk that I do, I have never really entertained that if I wanted to make art a job, I could. When I think about what I want to be when I grow up, I come up with a whole lot of nothing. Or a bajillion little things that wouldn't hold my interest for long but I would like to experience anyway. But the thing that resonates the most with me is art. Creativity. So maybe I will have to become a waitress at a diner, and maybe I won't be a mother who has a career per se, but maybe I will always have pieces of myself that carry me along, get me by and make me happy. Like making purses, or pottery or giving a massage or two. And maybe that is what I want in the end. Or maybe it's not. But I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea that if it is what I want, I can make it happen.

I am so inspired by people who truly follow their heart and take chances in life. I try to do it myself sometimes and it is incredibly helpful to know that other people are doing it too, and they are still alive and well. I am starting to develop my creative side into something that is really ME. Something genuine, something that I trust, something that is mine. As usual it is in pieces as I have many little interests. But perhaps someday they will all come together into something that makes sense.

My outward expression started today with a new glaze design, which never comes easily to me, but just sort of popped out. I'm hoping for more of this spontaneous creativity to help shape my life. The good thing about my mental tyrades in which I try to figure it all out is that I eventually get tired and realize it will all work out and it's not worth worrying about too much. It eventually brings me back to my simple, clear thoughts about life in which I realize the best thing I can do is drink my tea or eat some ice cream and be grateful and happy.

First days back in town

Isla feels quite at home next to Jeff's boat, I think she likes the company. Thursday involved some napping in hopes of fighting the fatigue that set in and then dinner with some good island friends! So fun and exciting to have people visit on MY boat, I still can't believe it. It's a good story we have, Isla and I, one that will carry thoughout my life and I'm looking forward to seeing what develops for us in the future...

Friday morning started off somewhat early with more work, as boat work never stops and neither does my dad. We took apart the dingy engine, cleaned her up and had her purring... ok, maybe not purring, more like growling, but she runs beautifully and will get me places, which I am very grateful for! Dad and Donny took a trip in the dingy, yet to be named, to Peaks to see some folks and had a very wet ride home. Friday night we headed to the Snow Squall where Jeff's band was playing and had drinks with his daughter Hannah who owns the company Sea Bags. They make bags, totes and other things out of recycled sails that people donate! Check them out at http://www.seabags.com/

Hannah is going to help me repair my sails and get at least two of them in good solid working order, super excited to have that connection!

Saturday we took Isla out for her first sail on Casco Bay, along with Justin! We had some light wind and got our bearings once again around the islands. Nice to have a shake down cruise with dad to break the ice of day sailing. We headed out to Peaks, down towards Long Island and then around Cow to head back into town. Gorgeous day and nice shift into sailing here at home. Funny how different it feels than when you are on a mission to get somewhere.

It was dad's 65th birthday and last night so we had a big lobster dinner at Justin's house. Uncle Pete, Aunt Susan and Lindarella all came to celebrate. We got fresh corn and potatoes from the farmers market that morning and had quite a feast finished off with some exquisite homemade chocolate cake! Yum! The perfect last dinner!

Sunday morning it was time for the boys to pack up and go... We made a pit stop at Standard baking company and then off to the bus station...

I waited for the bus to pull out to wave a last goodbye. They were off to Boston to catch a flight home and then there was one. I expected to feel panic as they drove away and I was left with a quiet Maine morning, alone with my new girl, but altho I shed some tears, I felt at peace. It's time for a new adventure, one that the past few weeks helped to prepare me for. One that my life has prepared me for but the last few weeks have refreshed my memory and given me practice and confidence to handle on my own. Life is an adventure. You can plan and dream and put things in place but the unexpected will happen and your plans will have to shift whether you want them to or not. I actually am a planner. I like to be in control; I like to anticipate and prepare for what will happen next, I like to think I will be ready for what life has in store for me. I am also a dreamer and a bit of a drifter, which quite frankly is weird, but I sort of plan and prepare to be able to be a drifter :) I suppose my history has prepared me to go with the flow, expect the unexpected and roll with the punches. And while the punches had been particularly stunning in this past year and a half, today I feel stronger, more secure and happier than I have been in a long time.

I cannot express my gratitude enough to everyone who has supported me in this last journey, that really is just beginning. To my friends who share my enthusiasm and encourage me on even when I think I might be crazy... To my mother, who even though I know she would rather I was at home, has smiled and understood the importance of my next steps. And is currently driving my car with the rest of my belongings to Maine for me. To my sister, who is truly an extention of me, for hugging me through tears, having complete confidence in me and loving me more than I can comprehend. To Cruise, who inspires me everyday, makes me laugh and supports me in his own way, mostly through harassment, and who has brought me back to life. To Donny for taking time and energy out of his life to help get me home and for not giving up even when Isla was giving us her best. And to my dad. My captain, my biggest fan, my teacher. I will be eternally grateful that we were able to do this trip together, to learn from you, and share time on the water where we are both at our best. It wouldn't have happened any other way. I love you all. And hope that I support you at least half as much as you support me. I couldn't be more blessed.

Outside, Cape May to Woods Hole

This is the lovely little red marker that led me astray when we entered the channel to the canal for Cape May. Looks rather large and obvious in the daylight...

As we sat at the fuel dock in Cape May filling tanks and washing up, a sweet middle aged couple came by and were asking me questions about the boat. Isla gets comments everywhere we go, with her beautiful lines and spunky personality. The couple marveled at our journey and said they have a small sailboat but have been thinking about buying a bigger one and getting rid of their house. I told them a bit about our travels and the trials we had been having lately and they offered to drive us anywhere we needed to go for supplies and provisions. I explained about needing new points and the man called a friend of his to see if he might have some and when that didn’t pan out he offered to drive dad to the auto parts store. Joe and Maureen were their names and I knew at that moment that the next section of this trip would be much different than the last. They restored my hope and changed the energy of our journey! Most of the time this trip feels completely normal to me. I have done it many times before with my family and living aboard and traveling has periodically been part of my life. It isn’t daring or unusual or a great feat, it is just part of the journey and a way of life. Why not buy a boat and sail it from Florida to Maine? That’s how you get where you want to go! That’s what she’s built for! I forget sometimes that it's not normal for everyone and that to some we seem quite adventurous! I have to admit I kind of like it :) We left the dock and anchored just off the channel to eat breakfast, install the new points and get our bearings. A couple of other boats surround us and before long a couple putters up in their dingy to chat. They were German and had left Germany about a year ago, with plans to circle back over the next four years! AND they bought their boat a month before they left in Turkey! Florida to Maine doesn’t seem too bad for a shake down cruise, compared to crossing the Atlantic!
I called Justin for an offshore weather report as the radio only supplies us with local weather and all systems were go with S SE winds 5-10 knots for the next few days!

We charged out of the inlet with a few coughs and sputters from the engine, but with a few tweaks and instructions that there was no time for skipping around, she steadied out and we started up the coast with calm seas and a gentle breeze. We started off the morning with some inspiration from the Black Eyed Peas… “ I gotta feelin’, that tonights gonna be a good night…” Thank you Peas! This is the lovely Jersey Coast just north of the inlet... my sister would have been in heaven!

The ocean was like glass with light wind and gently rolling seas and we made about 6 knots through what couldn’t have been a more beautiful night. Dad and I repaired the seam in the second main sail and vowed to use her only in light winds. Donny was in his element fishing with a hand line and as promised caught a small blue fish in less than an hour! I’m not a big fish eater but there is something awesome about catching a fish, filleting her up and eating her right away! He caught a small Bluefish that we added to dinner plans for the night.

An absolutely incredible evening...

In the morning I awoke to dad fine tuning his make shift self steering :)

Donny caught a good sized Bluefish again the next morning, so dinner was fresh two nights in a row!

In the late morning we were greeted with white bellied dolphins who visited us several times and played with Isla’s bow before vanishing off into the depths of the ocean. (See video at the end of this post!!)

The weather stuck with us and while we could have had more wind and made faster time, we had nothing to complain about. We scooted up the Jersey Shore and along Long Island clicking away the 250 miles towards Woods Hole, our last stop before the final leg home to Casco Bay! Small white butted black birds (the official name I’m sure) flitted around us flying low and coasting on the air just about the waves.

The ocean was quiet with hardly any other traffic for the next day or so. We had another beautiful night, unfortunately with a a lot of motoring as there wasn’t much wind, and when I awoke we were just off of Block Island! 45 miles to go into Woods Hole! Dad made our typical breakfast of bacon and eggs as we meandered the last few miles. My body is craving exercise, it’s now Day 14 and while I always forget there isn't much movement involved in sailing long trips, my body is reminding me...

Altho my arms have gotten a work out from the tiller! New experience for me, takes a bit more muscle in any kind of weather!

Made some alterations to the lifelines on the way into woods hole... tightened them up, they look so much better!

Steve met us as we came into Woods Hole and guided us to a mooring for the night! Steve and Irene are long time family friends that live on their boat Star and work in Woods Hole for the summers and then retreat to their Monkey House in Nevis for the winters. It's a rough life but someone has to do it!

We had showers and an amazing dinner on Star. My friend Jonathan from Peaks came and met us for dinner thanks to my dad's surprising memory that he lives near by! Almost home baby, I can feel it!

Another incredible dolphin video off of New York somewhere...