Zumba

So, I don't know if you have heard of this phenomenon called Zumba, but it seems to be taking over the world. It's everywhere and seems on the surface like something that I would LOVE. Not being a huge fan of scheduled, intentional exercise, but loving movement in many forms I finally thought, ok, it's time to try Zumba.
I went on a Saturday morning by myself. I forgave my gym buddy, Bo, the trip partly because I would never force him to attend something like Zumba, and partly because sometimes these sorts of things are best done alone. Some people (who I think exercise a lot) speak of the ability to clear their minds when they work out, do yoga, etc. I am not one of these people. I try, and I'm getting better at it, but I think Zumba gave me more of a mental work out than a physical one! Don't get me wrong, I was huffing and puffing, but I was completely stuck in my head because I didn't really like it. For those of you who don't know me, I'm a rather nice person. I try to be positive, see the big picture, not judge things or people too harshly... so I spent the whole class battling my own demons about why I wasn't having fun.
It was sort of a dance class meets aerobics class, but being someone who has taken many dance classes I struggled with wanting it to be more like dance. I wanted to perfect the moves, critique my performance, make improvements and well, be really good at it. Zumba brought up one of my biggest struggles. I want perfection. I'm not the kind of person who actually has to perfect everything, but I do internally struggle with wanting to be perfect at everything I do. Ha! Funny how even when you know something is ridiculous it still sticks with you...
Zumba was silly and fast paced and that is the point. Zumba isn't about perfection, it's about allowing yourself to let go, be silly, have fun and get a work out. And I had a really hard time doing it. What I did get out of it was an experience, a lesson, a reminder to let go and just go with it. I still feel like I should like it, so perhaps I will go back when the mood strikes me. Getting out and experiencing new things is incredibly important, and whether you like them or not you almost always get something out of it; so thank you Zumba for stirring my inner demons! They needed some exercise too.

A New Thing

Being sick and on the couch for much of this week gave me some time to think. Throughout the stress of looking for work, thinking about starting a practice, finances, worrying about how to meet all of my current goals despite my semi-annual personal/professional crisis, the thing that floats to the top is happiness. I have frequent identity crisis' because my head is filled with all of the things I think I need to be happy. And they often take precedence over the things I just plain need to have, say for instance, reliable work, and... money. Unfortunately this is a vicious cycle as one needs to have money in order to... well, survive, but also to do some of the things that lead to happiness.
Somewhere in my haze of sickness and stress I realized that once again I have been in the lull of inactivity lately and it has to stop. I had a very busy fall which led to exhaustion and far too many colds, but I've had some recovery time now and it's time to get back into an actual life.

SO. I've decided that along the lines of a new years resolution (if you would like to call it that) I am going to try to do something new every week and write about it here. In an effort to get out into the world more and write regularly, I'm going to do even the smallest thing that I haven't done before or maybe just haven't done in a very long time, and use it as my inspiration to write. It could be taking the time to go into a shop I've never noticed, or a new walk with Lola, or a new activity of some sort. Attempting to run a 5k was a good start! I think it will help me become more conscious of my community, the world around me, and my participation in it. And remind me that taking the time for even very small things, adds to happiness.

New Year

I have been wanting to write for a while now but I just haven't felt ready to. I've been thinking a lot about what the new year means for me, how I can get the energy to jump in full steam ahead
with clear, organized goals... and as usual it has been a rocky start.
In the past week or so I have made many lists and done lots of talking and thinking but no real doing. I've made mental plans to be more proactive and productive, but my action has been left for the future. Tomorrow, next week, some other time when I have a bit more energy, when I get over this cold, when I am ready... I've wanted to declare my hopes and dreams for this year loudly and with certainty, but the certainty part was lagging behind a little. Today however, I did something I don't often do. I just went for it. I put on some appropriate clothing, declared myself a runner and attempted a 5K with a dear friend of mine.

Now let me explain that I've done some talking about this. When Bo and I joined the gym this fall I thought, hey, I can do this. I'll work out, do some training and maybe try to run a 5k in the spring. What a great goal. Last night at dinner my ever so motivated friend Amanda mentioned that she was running a 5k today with a friend who, as of January 1st, has decided she is going to start running and do a 5k every MONTH. I was shocked for half a minute and then realized that I have been thinking about a 5k as if it was a marathon. Not being a runner it feels like a marathon. But then I realized that I can certainly walk a 5k no problem, so why not just try to run it and see how well I can do? The worst that could happen was that I would walk the whole thing. And what's so bad about that? So I took the plunge today, and while I can't say I ran, I did jog for much more of it than I thought possible and finished in 35min 27seconds! Not that this is any great record but it is my first time, I didn't die (or even want to at any point which is shocking to me) and now I know it can be done! I did a 5k, something I had never even entertained doing before.

SO. While I am feeling pretty good and quite proud of myself for today, I also am feeling a bit more prepared for the year. I have a few goals in mind, a few things I want to try, work on, and work towards, and I'm feeling ready to take action instead of just thinking about them. I tend to think and plan for a very long time before I feel ready to actually go for anything. This is a big and reoccuring lesson for me, that I forget and need to be reminded of often. Just do it. Go for it, embrace it, take action. You can only think so much and then it's time to DO it.

My biggest and most present goal is to get my own massage practice up and running. While I'm nervous about the process and the financial uncertainty, I feel like it's the right time and that somehow it's going to work out. You never know what will happen until to you go for it. So here's to a new year, positive events, lots of happiness, love and success for each and everyone of us!

Happy New Year!

Yoga

My trip to the gym this morning at 6 am, with my partner in crime, Bo, came early and slightly harsh after a short night sleep. It is now getting dark very early at night and the sun is even more hesitant than I am to rise in the mornings. I dressed groggily in the dark and stepped out into the cold morning, exhausted but motivated because I have someone to meet me there. As I walked toward the doors a man commented, "another morning in paradise!" My response at 5:55am was "is that where we are?!" I wasn't sure if he meant Maine or the gym, but after a second I found myself smiling that regardless, this man had given me a nice reminder that I am lucky to be where I am. It might be cold and early and I might be heading in for some mild torture, but really, it all comes from my own choices, and I have chosen them for a reason. My life is what it is because I have made purposeful choices and I am trying very hard to remember that and not complain about them. You are responsible for your own choices, your own happiness, your own life. You can't control everything that happens to you, try as you might, but you can control the way in which you receive your experiences and the way you choose to handle them. I am tired of thoughts that life happens TO me, and I'm becoming more aware of how to embrace that I make my own choices and choose my own path. I have (at least some of) the control, and my choices are mine and right for me.

Bo joined me for yoga this morning, his first (and perhaps last) experience. I am so proud of him for giving it a go as just a week ago he was very clear that he would not be joining me for yoga, but would do his own work out at the gym while I did my class. He would Yoda while I did yoga. Much more his speed. However, this morning, he tried something new. I searched for some advice for him, or perhaps a warning, so that he wouldn't judge it too quickly and be too hard on himself. I told him it is challenging, it takes a few times to get the feel for it and to stop feeling completely awkward, that he should go at his own pace and not worry if he doesn't get it all this time... I remember my first few times, which spanned several years; I left feeling like yoga wasn't for me, that my body just didn't DO that... but somehow over time I have circled around to enjoying it. It was a broad circle and I am not completely in love with it. I don't live for yoga, I don't feel like I can't live with it, but I recognize that it brings something to my life. I recognize that it is more than physical exercise, stamina and perseverence. It is more than mentally challenging to get through the poses and finish the class each time. It is a mentality for life. The focus, determination and energy that goes into the routine teaches me, reminds me, of lessons that I take with me throughout the day. Yoga has taught me to be kind to myself. It has taught me to keep trying, that it is ok to go at my own pace, and that I CAN do what I set my mind to, even if it isn't perfect and complete the first or even second time. It has helped to teach me that my way of being, my choices, my journey is just that, mine. And it's ok if it's different than other people's.

After class ended I turned to Bo to see a serious, strained and possibly irritated look on his face. I asked him if he hated me... his response was, "Yes, we are no longer friends. Tell Drake I will miss him." But the wonderful thing about Bo is that he is light hearted, happy and kind, and before long he was smiling and joking as he described his state of pain and the amount that he would be complaining all day. I only felt a little bit sorry for him, mostly because I was proud of him for stepping outside his comfort zone and trying something new, even if in the end it isn't for him. And also because I will soon be doing the same, when we try spinning class for what might be not my first, but possibly my last time. :)

To each his own.

Namaste.

Alone or not alone?

It's amazing to me how we learn things. How we grow and change and learn... And no matter what, everyone has to learn their own lessons in their own way. Someone can tell you something until they are blue in the face but it truly has to be learned and experienced on your own to really understand. Think of all of the advice that adults gave you growing up, all of the predicting of how you would feel, what kind of perspective you would have down the road... I remember trying to tell my teen center kids that everything would be alright, whatever high school tragedy would pass and hardly be remembered in later years... and watching their reaction, that I remember so well, as they looked at me like another adult who doesn't know what they are talking about. Re-realizing every time that they will have to learn on their own the things that I have learned so far. I can only offer advice, that they can take or leave, but in the end they will have to experience it for it to truly become part of them.

I made a brief trip out to Isla the other day to take care of a few things... (truth being that I am staying on land much more frequently these days as there is this boy I kind of like...) and every time I do I marvel at how much I have learned to enjoy being alone. I have never been an alone kind of person. Never. I remember my mum telling me from a very young age that you have to get comfortable with yourself and learn to be happy being alone because there won't always be someone there with you. I could understand what she meant, but was never able to get to a place where I actually liked being alone. Somehow in the past couple of years I have found that place. I have learned to appreciate time that I have to myself, and actually, I LOVE it. Not always, but sometimes, I just love being alone. I do however, wish that I could have an invisable (so I could still actually be alone) personal photographer, because often when I am alone there are moments that just seem like they should be caught and recorded somehow. I guess even though I enjoy my moments alone, I still wish I could share them with someone later!

My outboard engine for my dingy is having some trouble and, in typical Bogle fashion, the oars that I have don't actually go to my dingy so they don't work very well. Especially after it has been a week since I've used her and the right side is partially deflated, because that's what it does. The heavy wooden oars that only partially fit in the oarlocks really aren't very functional. So after approximately 35 seconds of trying to make it work, I decided it would be much more effective and peaceful to just paddle with one oar standing up. While I'm sure this looked quite comical, I loved it. I imagined what I looked like, a young woman (I believe I still fall into that category) standing in an old gray inflatable with jeans pulled up over her knees, a black thermal shirt on with a pale green scarf blowing in the breeze, paddling out to her sailboat just off shore. Did I mention that I tend to romanticize things? I catch myself doing that sometimes and then laugh as I realize that what I probably look like is a discheveled crazy person paddling desperately because her piece of crap engine is broken. Which might be closer to the truth. Regardless, I bask in the fact that I have finally reached a place in my life where I am comfortable and happy when I am alone, doing funny things, and this feels like quite an accomplishment!

I always saw it as a fault to not be an "alone" person, but I would like to point out that I think whatever kind of person you are is ok. We put so many restrictions and perameters on who we are supposed to be, what are acceptable and important qualities, but I've decided that none of it matters. I mean, as long as you are a generally kind person and not doing horrible things, it's ok to be exactly who you are. I guess that is part of growing up. Learning to be who you are. Learning what is acceptable to you, what is important to you and being ok with the answers. Sometimes I'm amazed that it took me 30 years to figure some of these things out, but then I remember to give myself a break, accept that this has been my journey and decide instead to be proud of myself for getting there at all.

"It's only life after all."

Connection

It is a chilly, gray, fall evening and I have just sat down on the couch with a sweet black pup sleeping on my right and a handsome, amazing man soldering pipes on the coffee table on the other side of her. I've got a shepherds pie in the oven for dinner and chicken prepped for tomorrow's chicken parm for guests and I am settling in with a glass of wine to write what I hope to be the beginning of weekly posts.

For the past week or so I have been thinking a lot about connection. My sister came to visit and when she left two weeks ago, it was the end of a very long stretch of craziness that started when I bought Isla. After making the trip to Maine I still had weeks of visits from my family and when Casie left it was the calm after the storm. I was left alone with my new reality. Alone to digest what I had just taken on. Alone to feel the weight of my decisions, the quiet, stillness of a new life. I had a foggy, emotional week as I processed being away from my family, but I also started finding my bearings in a place where I feel at home. A place where I feel like myself, like my heart and soul make sense, like I am part of something that I can relate to. Like it matters that I am here and contributing in this particular place.

After a conversation with a friend about how humans crave connection I started recognizing that every action I take is in pursuit of exactly that. The past month and a half has been centered around reconnecting to the people and place that I love and has been filled with perfect moments that I crave. Labor day weekend some of my dearest friends came to visit and we had a rare moment of all being in the same place at the same time.

Last weekend a college friend had the most beautiful, simple wedding on a farm in central Maine and it was a perfect day. I found myself in complete harmony surrounded by some of my favorite people, on beautiful land with the sun shining on a warm fall day... I can't even find the words to explain why I felt so balanced and at peace. But it has to do with connecting with pieces of myself, parts of my life that are important; human connection, connection with the earth, the importance of place, the changing of the seasons... it all has an energy that feeds my heart and soul and feels just right.

While I recognize that life and people change and forward motion is inevitable and important, this group of college friends being together in a place that we all feel a deep connection to was incredibly uplifting. It felt like time stood still for us, allowing us to have this brief moment where everything felt right. I have an amazing group of friends, and they all come from very different places, bring different things into my life, feed me in different ways and are all incredibly important. But my college friends are a particularly special group. They were with me when I was really starting to find myself. They knew me and lived with me through a time that was full of intense change, realization, growth and discovery. They know me in ways that I don't let a lot of people see and the comfort in that creates a bond that is hard to recreate. I am completely myself and with them I feel at home.

Lacey and I spent this past week getting ready for the Commonground Fair, the one event that I look forward to every year and never get tired of experiencing. It is the culmination of everything I have been trying to describe; a grouping of farmers, animals, crafters, people who live intentionally, support each other locally, speakers, musicians, amazing food and community in a giant field in the middle of nowhere Maine at a time of year when the landscape and weather is changing so the weekend is full of vibrant energy.

The leaves are starting to change, yellows, oranges, golds, reds, and some still green refusing to let go until they are ready. The grass is green, the dirt roads onto the fair grounds make your tires, shoes and barefeet the dusty brown of the earth that follows your footsteps through the day. Old and new friends are seen and made, and for one day or weekend, depending on how long you stay, everything you need is in this one little spot. An inspiring, eye opening, grounding spot. I came home last night feeling whole and connected as if I just need to plug into the fair's energy each weekend to replenish myself and stay grounded. Such a lovely treat that I anticipate every fall, that deepens my connection to the community around me, the earth, and my sense of place.

Just as I was sitting down to write this post Justin was snuggling on the couch with Lola and said that he completely understands how people with dogs live longer.

I smiled at the timing of his comment about connection with animals as we talked about how calming and amazing Lola's energy is and how she changes our lives. I am so incredibly happy to be where I am right now. And this doesn't happen often for me. I am happy in very short blips and then ready to move onto the next thing or pining for another place. The only thing that would make life more perfect is if my family were here as well. But for now, I am focusing on the positive, loving the pieces of my life and enjoying being happy.

I will drink wine and tea out of my new sweet mug that Lacey bought for me at the fair,

eat yummy meals off of my new table setting that I just had to buy because I feel like nesting,

and get into crafting mode, which I am so excited about...

The fall and winter is time to hunker down and create, drink tea, stay warm and be inspired with projects! I plan on holding onto this feeling and idea of connection through this perfect time of year. Time for warm, snuggling down! Happy fall everyone!

Life...

I aspire to be someone who is happily busy and productive; someone who fills time beyond work with volunteering, projects, socializing, getting exercise, cooking... the key word here being aspire. I often do fit a lot in but not without feeling very flustered and overwhelmed. Really - whoever decided that 24 hours in a day is enough was horribly mistaken. I'm ashamed to say I haven't spent much time with Isla in the past few weeks. Somehow she has fallen to the side while I get my bearings and try to rebuild my life.

I have been working quite a bit in the pottery studio with my friend Lacey who saves my life finacially EVERY time I need it... and I reciprocate by saving hers when she needs help. Luckily we are often in need at the same time. While my job hunting is on hold at the studio it gives me lots of time to think about what it is I am looking for. Which I have heard is important, but this part always trips me up. What am I looking for? I am very good at piecing together a maze of guidelines around what I want my life to look like. But often bits of my criteria contradict each other and end up drawing up the impossible. I like to think you can manifest whatever it is you want in your heart, and mostly I think this is true, but in this process I always tie myself in knots. My priorities get muddled and I'm becoming more and more certain that I have set up the same road blocks for myself for the past ten years.

Someone pointed out to me recently that I want it all and that just isn't possible. I need to figure out my priorities and realize that I will have to compromise something. This same wise person reminded me that I am an outside of the box kind of person and maybe my problem is that I keep trying to find my place inside the box. When I know that the box is too small for me.

I was hoping desperately to keep the grounded, clear life perspective that I spent the past many months carefully cultivating. I packed it up neatly on Isla, safely stowed for the journey, readily available at every moment. I think somehow some other junk must have gotten packed on top of it because while I know it is still there somewhere, it's a little harder to see all of a sudden. I know that everything will work out. Life has a way of doing that for you. I know that no matter how long it takes me to find a job, I will not be homeless or go hungry. Ramen is very inexpensive and I have lots of friends. I know that no matter what job I do find, I will find a way to take care of Isla and meet my basic needs. But I always seem to have a lot of bigger needs that I would really like to be met and I'm losing sight of how all of them can happen in the very near future. I NEED them to. For my sanity and happiness I NEED, ok, and WANT them to. Like a job that will allow me to pay for Isla, pay my bills, buy groceries, have some fun, AND go to Florida periodically to be with my family. Simple, right? Well, if you think it is and you think you have the answer aside from mentally manifesting, I would love to hear your thoughts. My brainstorming is taking me in circles as usual and while I know it is time for action instead of thought, I'm really not sure what I should be pursuing to make this all happen. Except money. Which I hate.

I have spent the past month in a very odd space in which I thought (and maybe still do think) that what I need is a normal, 9-5, full time job, with benefits, that will actually make me some money. Something that I have really never had before. Or wanted, quite frankly. The thing is, I'm not sure that I have, or rather, I am quite sure, that I do NOT have the skills that will get me such a job. I don't even know what people in those kinds of jobs do. For the past couple of days I have started thinking seriously about doing what I love and being an artist. Right back to no money, no stability, no benefits, which doesn't solve any of my current issues or needs, BUT... I'm realizing that for all the follow-your-heart talk that I do, I have never really entertained that if I wanted to make art a job, I could. When I think about what I want to be when I grow up, I come up with a whole lot of nothing. Or a bajillion little things that wouldn't hold my interest for long but I would like to experience anyway. But the thing that resonates the most with me is art. Creativity. So maybe I will have to become a waitress at a diner, and maybe I won't be a mother who has a career per se, but maybe I will always have pieces of myself that carry me along, get me by and make me happy. Like making purses, or pottery or giving a massage or two. And maybe that is what I want in the end. Or maybe it's not. But I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea that if it is what I want, I can make it happen.

I am so inspired by people who truly follow their heart and take chances in life. I try to do it myself sometimes and it is incredibly helpful to know that other people are doing it too, and they are still alive and well. I am starting to develop my creative side into something that is really ME. Something genuine, something that I trust, something that is mine. As usual it is in pieces as I have many little interests. But perhaps someday they will all come together into something that makes sense.

My outward expression started today with a new glaze design, which never comes easily to me, but just sort of popped out. I'm hoping for more of this spontaneous creativity to help shape my life. The good thing about my mental tyrades in which I try to figure it all out is that I eventually get tired and realize it will all work out and it's not worth worrying about too much. It eventually brings me back to my simple, clear thoughts about life in which I realize the best thing I can do is drink my tea or eat some ice cream and be grateful and happy.