Alone or not alone?

It's amazing to me how we learn things. How we grow and change and learn... And no matter what, everyone has to learn their own lessons in their own way. Someone can tell you something until they are blue in the face but it truly has to be learned and experienced on your own to really understand. Think of all of the advice that adults gave you growing up, all of the predicting of how you would feel, what kind of perspective you would have down the road... I remember trying to tell my teen center kids that everything would be alright, whatever high school tragedy would pass and hardly be remembered in later years... and watching their reaction, that I remember so well, as they looked at me like another adult who doesn't know what they are talking about. Re-realizing every time that they will have to learn on their own the things that I have learned so far. I can only offer advice, that they can take or leave, but in the end they will have to experience it for it to truly become part of them.

I made a brief trip out to Isla the other day to take care of a few things... (truth being that I am staying on land much more frequently these days as there is this boy I kind of like...) and every time I do I marvel at how much I have learned to enjoy being alone. I have never been an alone kind of person. Never. I remember my mum telling me from a very young age that you have to get comfortable with yourself and learn to be happy being alone because there won't always be someone there with you. I could understand what she meant, but was never able to get to a place where I actually liked being alone. Somehow in the past couple of years I have found that place. I have learned to appreciate time that I have to myself, and actually, I LOVE it. Not always, but sometimes, I just love being alone. I do however, wish that I could have an invisable (so I could still actually be alone) personal photographer, because often when I am alone there are moments that just seem like they should be caught and recorded somehow. I guess even though I enjoy my moments alone, I still wish I could share them with someone later!

My outboard engine for my dingy is having some trouble and, in typical Bogle fashion, the oars that I have don't actually go to my dingy so they don't work very well. Especially after it has been a week since I've used her and the right side is partially deflated, because that's what it does. The heavy wooden oars that only partially fit in the oarlocks really aren't very functional. So after approximately 35 seconds of trying to make it work, I decided it would be much more effective and peaceful to just paddle with one oar standing up. While I'm sure this looked quite comical, I loved it. I imagined what I looked like, a young woman (I believe I still fall into that category) standing in an old gray inflatable with jeans pulled up over her knees, a black thermal shirt on with a pale green scarf blowing in the breeze, paddling out to her sailboat just off shore. Did I mention that I tend to romanticize things? I catch myself doing that sometimes and then laugh as I realize that what I probably look like is a discheveled crazy person paddling desperately because her piece of crap engine is broken. Which might be closer to the truth. Regardless, I bask in the fact that I have finally reached a place in my life where I am comfortable and happy when I am alone, doing funny things, and this feels like quite an accomplishment!

I always saw it as a fault to not be an "alone" person, but I would like to point out that I think whatever kind of person you are is ok. We put so many restrictions and perameters on who we are supposed to be, what are acceptable and important qualities, but I've decided that none of it matters. I mean, as long as you are a generally kind person and not doing horrible things, it's ok to be exactly who you are. I guess that is part of growing up. Learning to be who you are. Learning what is acceptable to you, what is important to you and being ok with the answers. Sometimes I'm amazed that it took me 30 years to figure some of these things out, but then I remember to give myself a break, accept that this has been my journey and decide instead to be proud of myself for getting there at all.

"It's only life after all."