House Reminds Me, And I Don’t Mind

I came home this evening and turned on the TV to find the show House. For some strange reason I find this show comforting. It flashes me back in time, 11:00 ish, a little more than four years ago in Atlanta. Every night my sister and I would hunker down on our fold out bed after being kicked out of the hospital, and we would watch at least an hour of House. After a full day of watching and waiting on and for Cruise, surviving on hospital food, and hope that the situation would get better, because it had to, why we chose to watch a hospital show, I’m not sure I can answer. Maybe it’s because it was familiar. Maybe because it is based on severe health situations and at the end, there was always an answer. They always got better. Made up, medical, consciously or not, maybe it gave me hope.

Never have I ever lived my life so in the moment. I left home having no idea what spinal cord injury really meant, or even that SCI was what we were facing. For six months, I lived in the moment, never knowing what was next. And while those days were scary, sad, devastating at moments, they were also some of the best days of my life. Do I wish I could change it all for Cruise, yes. Of course. Do I wish I could change it for my parents? All of his friends who witnessed his injury and endure it with him? Everyone that the ripple effect of this injury effects? Yes. But when you can’t go back, you have to go forward. I am so grateful that we are a family of humor and strength. I laughed more in those first three months in the hospital than I had in years. I felt in a way that I never have. Pain, love, helplessness, hope. I learned, and laughed and loved like never before.
I live far away from my family. I don’t live this injury anymore on a daily basis. I forget sometimes, not that the situation exists, but what it feels like every moment of everyday. I know they are tired, scared, sad, and overwhelmed, as well as hopeful. And that I have the luxury of living my physical life free of their reality. They all handle it amazingly well, considering, but life with spinal cord injury is hard, and there is no understanding until you are living it. So I visit when I can, help when I can, and try to remain grateful for everything in my life. One foot in front of the other. It’s been four years, and I am so proud of how far Cruise has come. It can’t be expressed in words. From this:

to this:

Cruise’s 2012 interview with www.ambitiondaily.com

I love you man. You’ve come a long way.

First days back in town

Isla feels quite at home next to Jeff's boat, I think she likes the company. Thursday involved some napping in hopes of fighting the fatigue that set in and then dinner with some good island friends! So fun and exciting to have people visit on MY boat, I still can't believe it. It's a good story we have, Isla and I, one that will carry thoughout my life and I'm looking forward to seeing what develops for us in the future...

Friday morning started off somewhat early with more work, as boat work never stops and neither does my dad. We took apart the dingy engine, cleaned her up and had her purring... ok, maybe not purring, more like growling, but she runs beautifully and will get me places, which I am very grateful for! Dad and Donny took a trip in the dingy, yet to be named, to Peaks to see some folks and had a very wet ride home. Friday night we headed to the Snow Squall where Jeff's band was playing and had drinks with his daughter Hannah who owns the company Sea Bags. They make bags, totes and other things out of recycled sails that people donate! Check them out at http://www.seabags.com/

Hannah is going to help me repair my sails and get at least two of them in good solid working order, super excited to have that connection!

Saturday we took Isla out for her first sail on Casco Bay, along with Justin! We had some light wind and got our bearings once again around the islands. Nice to have a shake down cruise with dad to break the ice of day sailing. We headed out to Peaks, down towards Long Island and then around Cow to head back into town. Gorgeous day and nice shift into sailing here at home. Funny how different it feels than when you are on a mission to get somewhere.

It was dad's 65th birthday and last night so we had a big lobster dinner at Justin's house. Uncle Pete, Aunt Susan and Lindarella all came to celebrate. We got fresh corn and potatoes from the farmers market that morning and had quite a feast finished off with some exquisite homemade chocolate cake! Yum! The perfect last dinner!

Sunday morning it was time for the boys to pack up and go... We made a pit stop at Standard baking company and then off to the bus station...

I waited for the bus to pull out to wave a last goodbye. They were off to Boston to catch a flight home and then there was one. I expected to feel panic as they drove away and I was left with a quiet Maine morning, alone with my new girl, but altho I shed some tears, I felt at peace. It's time for a new adventure, one that the past few weeks helped to prepare me for. One that my life has prepared me for but the last few weeks have refreshed my memory and given me practice and confidence to handle on my own. Life is an adventure. You can plan and dream and put things in place but the unexpected will happen and your plans will have to shift whether you want them to or not. I actually am a planner. I like to be in control; I like to anticipate and prepare for what will happen next, I like to think I will be ready for what life has in store for me. I am also a dreamer and a bit of a drifter, which quite frankly is weird, but I sort of plan and prepare to be able to be a drifter :) I suppose my history has prepared me to go with the flow, expect the unexpected and roll with the punches. And while the punches had been particularly stunning in this past year and a half, today I feel stronger, more secure and happier than I have been in a long time.

I cannot express my gratitude enough to everyone who has supported me in this last journey, that really is just beginning. To my friends who share my enthusiasm and encourage me on even when I think I might be crazy... To my mother, who even though I know she would rather I was at home, has smiled and understood the importance of my next steps. And is currently driving my car with the rest of my belongings to Maine for me. To my sister, who is truly an extention of me, for hugging me through tears, having complete confidence in me and loving me more than I can comprehend. To Cruise, who inspires me everyday, makes me laugh and supports me in his own way, mostly through harassment, and who has brought me back to life. To Donny for taking time and energy out of his life to help get me home and for not giving up even when Isla was giving us her best. And to my dad. My captain, my biggest fan, my teacher. I will be eternally grateful that we were able to do this trip together, to learn from you, and share time on the water where we are both at our best. It wouldn't have happened any other way. I love you all. And hope that I support you at least half as much as you support me. I couldn't be more blessed.