Why I love weddings

Weddings are one of those things that you either love or hate, and while I understand the reasons that some people aren’t wedding fans, I happen to love them. Even the boring one’s, the one’s where you don’t even get to interact with the bride and groom, the one’s that you don’t really understand, I still love them. And here is why.

Ceremony

There is something magnificent about ceremony. In some ways I don’t love the idea of things always being done in the same way. Whenever I am at a wedding I search for the things that are unique and different from other ceremonies, things that make it special. But I do love tradition. I do love the idea that we pass on similar experiences from person to person over time through generations, share common experiences, create history and stories to be told. Traditions create human connection, a feeling that others have experienced what is to come and that you can understand the experiences, and possibly even emotions, of people that you have never even met.

Friends and Family

I am a people watcher. Even at a wedding where I don’t know many people, I still get great enjoyment out of watching people interact, observing them as a group of the couples most dear loved one’s (and maybe a few odds and ends) and wondering what their relationships are to each other and the newlyweds. My most favorite thing is being with groups of my favorite people, and even if they aren’t mine, there is something lovely about the happiness and joy of a big group at a wedding!

Celebration

Along the lines of ceremony is celebration! I’m a sucker – total sap for lovey, sweet sentiments and moments. I love an event all in celebration of a couple, their individuality, their coupling, their spirit! I love the sappy speeches, the outward (if sometimes uncomfortable) expression of love for other people. Even if I don’t know them, it gets me everytime!

Design

I am some form of artist… I am in LOVE with design, decoration, the creative pieces of putting together a wedding, especially local, homemade, original creations. These pictures are all from my cousin Geoff’s wedding this past weekend. He married the most adorable, amazing woman, Siobhan, and she did an incredible job of designing all of the pieces of their wedding. This was officially one of my favorite weddings for design, creative ideas and pure beauty… totally me and I loved it! Here are a few more pics!

             

and last but most important… Love.

Siobhan’s father incredibly eloquently recounted the description of love that he gave to his young, questioning daughter. He said something along the lines of … love is when you are in a crowded room and your focus is drawn to one person… the sounds all disappear, the room goes dark as you close your eyes, only aware of each other. You share a kiss, and only when you open your eyes does the room come alive again, with the sounds and light of what is around you. Weddings are a celebration of what every being searches for. Love. I can’t even pretend to write well on the subject… Everyone knows what it is like to search for it, yearn for it, have it, lose it, live for it. You can say what you want about love, that it’s what makes the world go around or what makes it all worthwhile, that it’s the only thing worth living for… no matter what your thoughts are, life is all about love. Being in the presence of true love is… perfection. Love brings balance, peace and makes everything feel right in the world.

I have high hopes for my own wedding someday. Not for the dress or flowers or hair, (although those things will be fun in their own way) but because my favorite thing in the world is to get together with my favorite people. As an adult this seems to happen less and less and the idea of what I hope to be at least a weekend with all of my favorite people together in the same place sounds like pure bliss! Time stands still for me when this happens, no worrying, no unnecessary stressing about life, just pure, undistracted happiness!  My wedding won’t be perfect because not a thing goes wrong and everything is in it’s exact place, it will be perfect because it will be a celebration of all that is right and good in the world, with those I love!

Living with Creativity

Despite the fact that I have always been a “creative person,” I have never quite trusted my creativity. It seems to have a life of it’s own and comes and goes as it pleases. Which can be mildly annoying to one who feels the need to create but doesn’t always have access to creativity. I often wonder if I am truly that creative, or that good at being creative, because it seems to be there only when it feels like it. I can’t sew, throw pots, write, anything, unless I am “in the mood.” I realize that this is true of many creative people, but as someone who feels the NEED to create, the desire to create, I find it frustrating that it is not in my control to produce as often as my egotistical mind deems appropriate for a “creative person". I am not a career person. I don’t have ONE thing that I am REALLY good at, that I excel in, that I climb the ladder of, that I am an expert in. Sometimes this bothers me, as I WANT to be really good at something. But the truth is it makes sense to me that I don’t have one thing. It just isn’t who I am. I believe in the process of things, in developing and evolving through out life into whatever comes next. Still, I think this is why I don’t trust my creativity, because I think of it as the core of who I am, yet I can only be creative sometimes. Not whenever I want to be.

On occasion my mum has suggested, with the wisest of words, that I use my frustration, angst, or bad mood and go throw some pots or do something creative. On paper this sounds  perfect. I love the idea of channeling my energy into something creative and productive. In fact, I believe that should be the case for someone creative, that they are able to do that. But the truth is, that’s not how it works for me. I can tell you in less than a minute when I sit down to throw a pot if it is a throwing day for me. Sometimes creativity is just not interested in hanging around with me. Maybe it’s at the beach, or having lunch with another friend, but it is not available. If I relied heavily on my creativity to support myself, my fear is that a) I would become one of those deeply afflicted, dark creative types, b) that I just plain wouldn’t be able to produce, and c) that I would then start to despise my creativity, be angry at it, jealous and suspicious of it even, that maybe it wasn’t just mine, but was gallivanting around with others.
Luckily I am not one of those really dark, serious creative types, I can accept in the end that my creativity is what it is. I still have my guard up about our relationship; it’s not the most stable and a little co-dependent, but I will use it anyway, grab it’s tail on the way by and take what I can get. I suppose that what makes art and creative things amazing, is that we don’t know where they come from, everyone’s view of them is different and the point often is the process. It’s about the journey, for the creator anyway, not the destination, or end result. The end result is the expression of the process. And truthfully, it is a life lesson. That the point of work and energy and the daily process is the experiences themselves. There is no destination, no end result, the end is death. The process, the journey, is living.

Gratitude

I wake up in the morning and try to turn my focus from being bummed out that I have to get up, to thinking about what I am grateful for. It takes energy sometimes but it seems like a better way to start the day. Today I made a little time for a walk with Lola and a few minutes of yoga that got me thinking about being grateful.

I have this thing that arguably may or may not be genetic, but we call it the Bogle luck. My dad has it, oddly enough my brother has it and my sister too, and I’m pretty sure it extends to other family members too. It involves things generally working out in most situations. Isla is the perfect example. I had barely any money in the bank, hardly a life plan at the moment and she literally fell into my lap. Any rational person would have analyzed the situation and thought it completely rediculous for me to take her on, but I did and somehow it’s all working out! (An incredibly handy and supportive boyfriend helps too.)  A casual conversation at breakfast brought her up, my dad’s “check it out” mentality encouraged an attempt, turns out she lives in the same slip that I did when I was growing up on Lethe, the pieces fell together and she was mine before I could really think about it. Now this might not seem like luck to some of you – and I agree that maybe it’s not, but these sorts of situations are incredibly recurrent in my families life. This doesn’t mean that there is never struggle or difficulty, but in the end things seem to work out.
I think it mostly has to do with being open to possibility, having a positive outlook and being grateful. I believe that what you put out into the world comes back to you, if all you see and feel is negative, then that is going to be your experience of life. Small changes like trying to see the best in a situation, remembering to be grateful for what you do have, and viewing daily experiences as opportunities for growth and positive change allow space for life to go your way. Truthfully, it’s not luck, but my family is blessed with an amazing outlook and incredibly opportunities and while I don’t know exactly where it comes from, I am grateful.

Taking notice

Today I spent the unexpected snow day cleaning, doing laundry and organizing our house which has been driving me crazy for a long time now. I have been slowly trying to get our guest room (which is really our dumping ground) into a functional state and  to double as my craft space. I was so grateful for the time to do that today! For months now I have been in serious stress mode about my work and finances, or lack there of, and for the past few weeks it has escalated into a truly negative, constant anxiety in which I have felt like I have no control over my mental state. I can’t turn my brain off, my body feels in constant buzz about things I have to remember, the best order in which to do things, how to best fit everything in and how, oh how, to make myself more stable in many ways. On Tuesday my back went out and my visit to my miracle worker acupuncturist resulted in a clear understanding that I have not been taking care of myself in any way. I have let this stress and fear take over and lead me into a life that is unhealthy and solely focused on money, which is completely against my values. (I recognize that money is important and wish I had more of it even, but I  try to always remember that it is not the most important thing.)
It also reminded me that I have done the most fabulous job of manifesting my life into what I really want it to be. I recognized this periodically in the recent past but lately I had allowed it to get lost as I panicked about the small pieces that haven’t quite ironed themselves out. Last night at dinner we were talking about what we would do if we suddenly had endless amounts of money. Everyone else’s stories involved not doing what they are doing right now, and as I thought about it, I realized that I am really happy with where my life is and is heading. I have been striving for what feels like eternity to get where I want to be (as if that was one place) but honestly, my life is really falling into place. I think the hardest part about going for what you want is KNOWING what you want. What a loaded question. Identifying that is the struggle but once you know what it is, and have to courage to embrace it , the path becomes clear.
This fall I finally identified and embraced that I am an artist. I’m an artist. I can’t identify it much further for you, I didn’t go to school for any sort of art, I’m not intellectual or deep about my art, I just am an artist. This wasn’t an incredibly new idea to me, but I finally came to terms with it, I finally just let it be. And let it be ok with me that I want to be an artist.
The result has been that in the last month or so I have figured out how to be a massage therapist and an artist in a way that feels stable, real and right. (Ok well, I still have to solidify massage clients, but I’m on the right track.) I think I’ve just been searching for what feels right. I have worked for Lacey for almost 10 years now and I am now also working with Pam Bosco, a jeweler in our studio building. I have this incredible opportunity to learn a new medium, get some new experience and combined with massage, I’m starting to feel like my life is getting to a fantastic place. I’m not questioning who I am and what I want to be for the first time in years. Instead, I feel like I have listened to myself and helped to create my ideal life. This harmony has been spreading into even the smallest decisions that I make. It’s amazing how when life isn’t going well it seems like NOTHING is going well, and when it starts looking up it all just falls into place.
I lose myself easily but the older that I get, the better I get at being myself and being comfortable with that. I’m not sure why it is so hard to accept who we are as being not only enough but the way we are supposed to be. The most amazing, attractive, interesting people to me are the one’s who seem completely comfortable with themselves, who don’t question everything but just live life and enjoy themselves. I strive to be that kind of person, and forgive myself for feeling like I want to be different than I am. I figure that’s just part of me, to always want to be a better version of myself.
Tonight I sat in my guest/craft room and let myself recognize that I am loving creating my life. My fabric is all arranged on it’s rack, my craft stuff is mostly organized, the laundry is mostly done, and I am happy to have done it all.
"There are moments on the brink, when you can give yourself to a lover, or not; give-in to self-doubt, uncertainty, and admonishment, or not; dive into a different culture, or not; set sail for the unknown, or not; walk out onto a stage, or not. Resist then, and there is only what might have been." -Diane Ackerman

Yurts!

As I walked through the woods to join everyone at the boys' yurt I stopped for a minute to take in my surroundings. Sounds of the gentle flow of a stream as it skipped over and around rocks chattered in the background. From this spot all I could see was skinny trees sticking out of the snow that still blanketed the ground, most of them Birches, separated by a few paths worn by adventurous feet. Late fallen leaves lay sunken in the snow, while a few others held on, clinging to the winter branches. The air was crisp, fresh and full of life as it tends to be in the middle of the woods. The late afternoon sun gave the world around me a beautiful, natural, shiny glow that I attempted shamelessly to capture with my camera. Without luck. That was one of the moments that I wish I could hold onto forever. The feeling of pure, simple appreciation and delight. Of happiness, peacefulness and being grounded. These perfect moments slip away all to quickly for me, but when I am in the woods or on the ocean, I feel most authentically myself. The pressures and stresses of daily life fall away and I am left with clear, genuine perspective and peace. Stress, jealousy, anger, fear - all disappear and reveal a layer of humanity, basic necessity and simply being that is so hard to hold onto consistently. I took a deep breath in an attempt to instill this feeling in my body and soul and continued on down the path.

This week I had the opportunity to chaperone an outdoor adventure trip with Westbrook's Alternative Learning Adventure Education kids! I have always wanted to do outdoor experiential education with teens and thanks to my dear friend Molly, I finally got my foot in the door. With two of the Alternative Learning teachers and five teens, I spent two nights at Frost Mountain Yurts in Brownfield, Maine. The yurts were so fun to stay in, very swanky for a camping trip, with woodstoves, fire pits, hammocks and full kitchen gear minus a sink and running water. I was in charge of the girls' yurt and as I got our woodstove going for the night I realized that this was the first time I had been in charge of starting a fire myself! Shannon told me he had to resist ‘being a boy’ and coming down to help out, and I realized that in all of my camping and fire dwelling, I have never been in charge of the fire! Boys love fire. Even with the extremely kind, respectful, equality minded men that I have in my life, some instinctual, human thing kicks in where they always take charge of fire. I felt very empowered and accomplished as I reassured the girls that no we did NOT need the boys help to make our fire!

(P.S. When we arrived at the boys' yurt my fire was raging compared to both the inside and outside fires that had been started by boys. I’m just saying.)

We had perfect weather for our two great snowshoe hikes, Shannon made kick ass meals for us with help from the kids and by the third day when we went skiing at Shawnee Peak on our way home, we were almost too tired to ski! Is had been so long since I have carried a pack and climbed a mountain and it felt so great! The kids were absolute troopers and the education and experience that they get from these trips is absolutely amazing. I wish every kid had these opportunities because they can be life changing. I have seen so many kids gain self confidence, a broader understanding of the world, and major life skills through challenging outdoor activities and experiences and I am so excited to be part of it! Just another manifestation of things I want to happen in my life showing up on my front door. I swear, putting a little energy out there for your hopes and dreams makes them a reality sooner or later!

Love of Chocolate

This week I actually made a direct effort to find something new – other weeks things have just fallen into my lap but this time, I did some searching. What I found on the amazing Maine Today event page was a little St. Patty’s Day event at Wilbur's Chocolates in Freeport. Now, chocolate is something that gets my attention and when would I ever take the time to go do something like this? Well, before maybe never, but when you say you are going to do new things every week then you jump on these sweet little opportunities to have fun!
My best adventure trooper Molly drove up with me to make chocolate cauldrons filled with jelly beans!  We got to see the factory out back and learn a little about chocolate making and while it wasn’t quite Willy Wonka’s, I did a little pretending that it was!

First we dipped balloons into melted chocolate…

Then we set them onto the tray that where they sat in a really cold fridge for about 3 minutes to harden…

Then we cut the balloon to get it out…

(I have no idea why this picture is so small!)

With a little chocolate for glue we attached a small candy shamrock to the front and then filled with candy and wrapped them up! Yum!

Hairnets and all we had a blast on our little adventure! We got some little sweets and some inspiration to make chocolates at home on our own! I love getting new ideas for treats and gifts… and so what if we were the only adults there without children! We enjoyed every minute! Happy St Patrick’s Day!

In Public

This doing a new thing every week and writing about it thing has gotten away from me a couple of times. I’ve actually written a few posts at the same time and backdated them… and I’ve been tempted to do it again, but the reality is I haven’t stayed on top of it and I’ve decided just to embrace my imperfection and keep trucking… perhaps I’ll double up other weeks when I happen to be more on top of things! For now, I have one thing that I haven’t written about that is wanting to get out onto paper (or screen) so I’ll start there.
A couple of weeks ago while Jus and I were in Florida we went to my favorite Wednesday night open mic night at The Living Room in Boynton Beach to hear No Strings Attached.  Cliff and Wendy have become good family friends and with the help of my persistent cousin Kristi, I ended up on stage with Cliff singing Breathe by Anna Nalick.
I was all prepared to write this post as the first time I have sung in public, but the more I think about it I realize it’s not true. I have always been a singer, just mostly NOT in public. Well, aside from being the person who sings dramatically in her car, thinking no one notices, but I’m pretty sure they can’t hear me, so that doesn’t count. I was always in chorus at school, I had one solo when I was a senior, sang at the variety show on the island, I’ve even actually sang karaoke… not once, but twice IN PUBLIC, which was a huge step for me. But this open mic was singing in front of friends and family and people who do this regularly, in a restaurant, with a guitarist, and it felt VERY public.
While my very persistent cousin Kristi was pushing for it, my entire body was rejecting the idea. My stomach tightened into knots, my head fogged up, my tongue and voice stopped working and resorted to communicating in strained facial expressions that I’m sure did nothing to hide my anxiety and mild irritation at being pushed to do such a thing. In the end, it went ok – not perfect, a little strained with a few mistakes, but not too bad for 5 minutes notice and singing the song once outside to practice. The difference in this performance was that I actually went for it. I didn’t hide behind my soft, controlled, safe voice – I just gave it what I had regardless of what might come out and that was new for me. I have an incredibly sweet, wonderful teacher and friend to thank for that. Elisa James. She gave me the confidence through not only her vocal coaching, but also through her outlook on life, her vibrant energy, and her passion for music and singing. I learned so much from her personally and professionally and she is one of those people that you just know you are lucky when she enters your life.
So there. My current putting myself out there – singing in public story. I have to say, I love that as I get older it gets a little easier to push myself. Even though often I think I am doing something for the first time, when I look back I realize that I have come a long way from other similar experiences. I might feel the same inside but I have learned how to take them on anyway and with a bit more grace and confidence. I guess there are some good things about growing up!