Living with Creativity

Despite the fact that I have always been a “creative person,” I have never quite trusted my creativity. It seems to have a life of it’s own and comes and goes as it pleases. Which can be mildly annoying to one who feels the need to create but doesn’t always have access to creativity. I often wonder if I am truly that creative, or that good at being creative, because it seems to be there only when it feels like it. I can’t sew, throw pots, write, anything, unless I am “in the mood.” I realize that this is true of many creative people, but as someone who feels the NEED to create, the desire to create, I find it frustrating that it is not in my control to produce as often as my egotistical mind deems appropriate for a “creative person". I am not a career person. I don’t have ONE thing that I am REALLY good at, that I excel in, that I climb the ladder of, that I am an expert in. Sometimes this bothers me, as I WANT to be really good at something. But the truth is it makes sense to me that I don’t have one thing. It just isn’t who I am. I believe in the process of things, in developing and evolving through out life into whatever comes next. Still, I think this is why I don’t trust my creativity, because I think of it as the core of who I am, yet I can only be creative sometimes. Not whenever I want to be.

On occasion my mum has suggested, with the wisest of words, that I use my frustration, angst, or bad mood and go throw some pots or do something creative. On paper this sounds  perfect. I love the idea of channeling my energy into something creative and productive. In fact, I believe that should be the case for someone creative, that they are able to do that. But the truth is, that’s not how it works for me. I can tell you in less than a minute when I sit down to throw a pot if it is a throwing day for me. Sometimes creativity is just not interested in hanging around with me. Maybe it’s at the beach, or having lunch with another friend, but it is not available. If I relied heavily on my creativity to support myself, my fear is that a) I would become one of those deeply afflicted, dark creative types, b) that I just plain wouldn’t be able to produce, and c) that I would then start to despise my creativity, be angry at it, jealous and suspicious of it even, that maybe it wasn’t just mine, but was gallivanting around with others.
Luckily I am not one of those really dark, serious creative types, I can accept in the end that my creativity is what it is. I still have my guard up about our relationship; it’s not the most stable and a little co-dependent, but I will use it anyway, grab it’s tail on the way by and take what I can get. I suppose that what makes art and creative things amazing, is that we don’t know where they come from, everyone’s view of them is different and the point often is the process. It’s about the journey, for the creator anyway, not the destination, or end result. The end result is the expression of the process. And truthfully, it is a life lesson. That the point of work and energy and the daily process is the experiences themselves. There is no destination, no end result, the end is death. The process, the journey, is living.